Sometimes, when you've never been more sure of anything in you life, you doubt that surety. You doubt that it's right; you doubt your judgement and sanity. I believe the term for this is cold feet.
As a Libra I'm naturally prone to indecision. When I decided I wanted to go to graduate school, and that I only wanted to attend New York schools, I was sure. When I got into Columbia, I was sure that's where I wanted and needed to go. When I got into Columbia, I was sure I wanted to live in New York, by myself, and I was sure I'd be fine.
When I landed at JFK on Sunday, June 29th, I was feeling less sure. When my parents dropped me off in Chelsea and continued to Boston, I was even more less sure. When I was walking down Chambers Street in TriBeCa a few hours later, I was a girl on a ledge and I needed someone to talk me down.
I was crazy to think I could move to this city by myself. I had to be completely insane, right?? Because I sure felt insane! [cue insane laughter] What was I even doing? Why was I even here? I'm not brave or courageous. I can't do this alone.
As I walked down Chambers Street towards the Hudson and the doggy day care, a woman stopped me and asked if I knew where the 9/11 memorial was. In fact, I did know where it was because I'd been there and I'd been in this neighborhood before. I turned to my left and pointed up to the Freedom Tower. "See that?" I said, "That's the new World Trade Center building, the Freedom Tower. It's 1,776 feet tall. The memorial is below it." She asked me some questions about the memorial. I told her to go; it's one of the neatest things she'll see in New York. Then she asked me how long I'd lived in the city. "Oh, I don't live here. I'm moving here in August to go to grad school, but I don't live here yet." She looked surprised. "Well, I think you'll make it here just fine, especially since you already know where you're going!" Then she hurried on to meet her friend.
Did I know where I was going?
I was alone in the city for a week while staying in Nick's apartment and dog-sitting for him, and trying to find some place to live. It was an important week because it showed me that I really could live in New York City by myself. It will be hard, yes. I'll get lonely, definitely. But I started to feel less crazy as days went by and I met up with friends and made new ones, navigated around and explored different neighborhoods. I even went to Brooklyn, twice, and Harlem.
At one point I felt a little like Mary Tyler Moore. I needed to go to Bloomingdales and buy a hat ("that will turn out to be a mistake as all hats usually are") and run across an intersection, toss my hat in the air while singing to myself "I'm gonna make it after all-llll da duh da daaa DUH!"
Instead I put my earbuds in and listened to Emeli Sandé.
"I'm back on my feet, feeling like me
I'm a tiger."
|The Freedom Tower, Chelsea, Downtown NYC|