Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

The post-graduation boredom has set in. At least the result is improving my vocabulary.

I've been reading "The Complete Works of Sherlock Holmes", mostly at work because I finish what I need to do for the day each day by about 9 am. With 9 more hours to go, I get a lot of reading done. I've begun using words like "conundrum" and "spry" and "constitution" in regards to one's health and body, not the governing document of the United States. It makes me feel like I'm putting my English degree to good use, even though it's the writings of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle that is really causing this improvement.

Other things that are going on.... Not. Much.


All this free time has given me ample opportunity to reflect upon my life. This is not where I'm going to get philosophical, but just quote movies or songs that sum up what I'm thinking. The quote that surmises it the best is from "You've Got Mail"- the title of which should have really been "You Have Mail" but that's besides the point- when our heroin Kathleen Kelly says "I lead a small life. Good, but small." That's how I feel about my life lately. I've done a lot of things, been many places, tried many different varieties of bread pudding, but I lead a small life. Not that I want to lead a grand life, but I want more than a secretarial position and an Avenues apartment. I want to live in New York City, or on the California Coast, or, ideally, in a London flat that's a tube stop or two away from Kensington Park and the Westminster Bridge and Harrod's on Brompton Road. I want to work for Penguin and write a book and make a name and career for myself. Those are things I don't feel like I can do in the stifling valley in which I now live.

I recently had a long and revealing talk with my sister. In my own words, I had a conundrum I needed to speak with her about in private. I've been feeling rather inadequate lately in some regards that I won't discuss here, and my mind was a-wrestle with issues I couldn't quite solve. Liz, being the wise and brilliant and beautiful older sister she is, helped me realize that no, I'm not like most the girls that surround me here. I don't have aspirations of being a stay at home mom- not that there is anything wrong with that. Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for stay at home moms because they raise the future leaders of the world and it is probably the hardest profession/job that a woman could ever come across. At this point in my life, I don't have that desire. I sort of felt by not wanting this I was somehow letting down my future, but she showed me that I'm not letting anyone or anything down; every path is different, and maybe that isn't in mine. There are a lot of ways to mother, and a lot of different people/things that need to be mothered. And I started to feel better, and less inadequate, and my mind started to settle.

There is a phone call I need to make that I'm afraid to make. And it might take some time to actually dial the number. But when I do, my life may get a little less small, and my future might open up a little more. The beginning might be something beautiful and worth waiting for, and even though some people won't understand, at least for a while, I'll be able to honestly say, it was the right thing for me and I know without a doubt I'll be happy. Then I'll go make some bread pudding, because mine cannot be beat.