Here's some background on this book, which is sadly only the first in a trilogy: it was written as Twilight fan fiction. No, you did not just have a momentary hallucination. Fifty Shades of Grey was written as fan fiction for the second worst thing to happen to books in this century. I'll wait for you to recover from your rage stroke.
EL James wrote it because she was greatly disappointed at the pitiful amount of sex in the Twilight books, and figured if Stephanie Meyers could write successful stories about Bella and Edward, so could she. But she'd amp it up and make Edward a domineering billionaire sex fiend and Bella a docile sort-of reporter who works at a hardware store (all I know about the Fifty Shades story is what I keep seeing on commercials before hulu videos). The result is apparently appealing because Random House made so much money from these abhorrent books two years ago they gave each employee a $5000 end-of-year bonus.
Almost as appalling as the premise itself is the fact that the author is a woman. If this book, these books, and this movie, these movies as sequels have already been announced, represent how she sees the role of women in the world, then she's got big problems. From what I know, the treatment of women in this material is unacceptable, as is the glorification of abuse as a form of romantic love. Still as equally appalling as the aforementioned facts is that women are the primary audience of this folly.
There's no way in hell I'll see the movie. And I wish everyone else was with me. But I know they're not. Based on the fact that influential brands are lauding, supporting, and promoting it, and the popularity of the books, it'll probably take the number one spot at the box office from The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water. I made a list of 50 things I'd rather do than watch Fifty Shades of Grey because I'd rather do any of these things, all of them things I greatly dislike or that bring me great discomfort, than waste two hours of my life watching bad acting and (apparently) inaccurate S&M.
- Go to Times Square on New Years Eve
- Go to Times Square anytime
- Listen to K-Fed's rap album
- Watch any Kristen Stewart movie
- Voluntarily eat hospital food
- Read Virginia Woolf without having to
- Lose a toe to frostbite
- Never drink a Diet Coke again
- Work a thousand Valentine's Days at a flower shop
- Have E. Coli poisoning
- Eat chili every day for the rest of my life
- Go camping
- Never go to the beach again
- Let a dog lick my face
- Walk around New York in 4 inch heels
- See Bill Nader in the White House
- Wear UGG boots with a mini skirt
- Read the Twilight books
- Wait to see the final Mockingjay movie until it's on video
- Have salmonella poisoning
- Never bake again
- Wear a BYU shirt
- Share my apartment with a rat
- Watch a Rachel Ray show on loop
- Drink tap water in Mexico
- Register as a Republican
- Live in a New York winter all year long
- Be a contestant on Fear Factor
- Wear mom jeans to New York Fashion Week
- Laud Miley Cyrus as the greatest vocalist of all time
- Go into space
- Have a permanent cold
- Go back to a camera-less flip phone
- Read a poem I wrote to an audience of poetry people
- Thoroughly learn physics
- Memorize Ulysses
- Have a staph infection
- Bank with US Bank again
- Take a math class higher than "Math for Humanities Majors"
- Watch The Ring by myself
- Make and proudly serve that Paula Dean recipe for bread pudding which is made out of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, has a glaze on top of the glazed donuts, and is finished with canned fruit medley (i.e. diabetes in a 9x13 pan)
- Apply to be on The Bachelor
- Take a swim in the Hudson
- Cheer for USC and Alabama
- Be interested in hockey
- Eat anything cherry
- Only watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians
- Live in Phoenix during the summer
- Literally anything else*
Have a lovely holiday weekend. And by "holiday" I mean Presidents' Day.
*within reason. I'm not insane.