Wednesday, February 11, 2015

50 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Well gang, society is about to hit a new low. On Friday, Focus Features is releasing the film version of the terrible (or so I've heard. I don't read "erotic fiction") Fifty Shades of Grey book.

Here's some background on this book, which is sadly only the first in a trilogy: it was written as Twilight fan fiction. No, you did not just have a momentary hallucination. Fifty Shades of Grey was written as fan fiction for the second worst thing to happen to books in this century. I'll wait for you to recover from your rage stroke.

EL James wrote it because she was greatly disappointed at the pitiful amount of sex in the Twilight books, and figured if Stephanie Meyers could write successful stories about Bella and Edward, so could she. But she'd amp it up and make Edward a domineering billionaire sex fiend and Bella a docile sort-of reporter who works at a hardware store (all I know about the Fifty Shades story is what I keep seeing on commercials before hulu videos). The result is apparently appealing because Random House made so much money from these abhorrent books two years ago they gave each employee a $5000 end-of-year bonus.

Almost as appalling as the premise itself is the fact that the author is a woman. If this book, these books, and this movie, these movies as sequels have already been announced, represent how she sees the role of women in the world, then she's got big problems. From what I know, the treatment of women in this material is unacceptable, as is the glorification of abuse as a form of romantic love. Still as equally appalling as the aforementioned facts is that women are the primary audience of this folly.

There's no way in hell I'll see the movie. And I wish everyone else was with me. But I know they're not. Based on the fact that influential brands are lauding, supporting, and promoting it, and the popularity of the books, it'll probably take the number one spot at the box office from The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water. I made a list of 50 things I'd rather do than watch Fifty Shades of Grey because I'd rather do any of these things, all of them things I greatly dislike or that bring me great discomfort, than waste two hours of my life watching bad acting and (apparently) inaccurate S&M.
  1. Go to Times Square on New Years Eve
  2. Go to Times Square anytime 
  3. Listen to K-Fed's rap album
  4. Watch any Kristen Stewart movie
  5. Voluntarily eat hospital food
  6. Read Virginia Woolf without having to
  7. Lose a toe to frostbite
  8. Never drink a Diet Coke again
  9. Work a thousand Valentine's Days at a flower shop
  10. Have E. Coli poisoning
  11. Eat chili every day for the rest of my life
  12. Go camping 
  13. Never go to the beach again
  14. Let a dog lick my face
  15. Walk around New York in 4 inch heels
  16. See Bill Nader in the White House
  17. Wear UGG boots with a mini skirt
  18. Read the Twilight books
  19. Wait to see the final Mockingjay movie until it's on video
  20. Have salmonella poisoning
  21. Never bake again
  22. Wear a BYU shirt
  23. Share my apartment with a rat
  24. Watch a Rachel Ray show on loop
  25. Drink tap water in Mexico
  26. Register as a Republican
  27. Live in a New York winter all year long
  28. Be a contestant on Fear Factor
  29. Wear mom jeans to New York Fashion Week
  30. Laud Miley Cyrus as the greatest vocalist of all time
  31. Go into space
  32. Have a permanent cold
  33. Go back to a camera-less flip phone
  34. Read a poem I wrote to an audience of poetry people
  35. Thoroughly learn physics
  36. Memorize Ulysses
  37. Have a staph infection
  38. Bank with US Bank again
  39. Take a math class higher than "Math for Humanities Majors"
  40. Watch The Ring by myself
  41. Make and proudly serve that Paula Dean recipe for bread pudding which is made out of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, has a glaze on top of the glazed donuts, and is finished with canned fruit medley (i.e. diabetes in a 9x13 pan)
  42. Apply to be on The Bachelor
  43. Take a swim in the Hudson
  44. Cheer for USC and Alabama 
  45. Be interested in hockey
  46. Eat anything cherry
  47. Only watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians
  48. Live in Phoenix during the summer
  49. Skydive
  50. Literally anything else*
Have a lovely holiday weekend. And by "holiday" I mean Presidents' Day.

Love, Sarah

*within reason. I'm not insane.

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