Tuesday, September 10, 2013

How This College Graduate Kills A Spider

True story: tonight I was sitting here, starting to write this post when I looked innocently to my left and saw a minuscule tan spider on my down comforter. Me being me, I froze while the phrase "Oh shit" went through my mind many times. All I had on my bed with me were not optimal spider-killing items: a water bottle, an iPhone, the Tuesday pill box. I had no shoe, no tissue.

"Rosie," I hissed at my cat, "go get me a tissue!!" She half looked up from her food bowl and looked at me like I was an idiot. "Okay then, come over here and kill it. You're the cat, that's your job." She went back to eating. "Okay," I whispered to myself so as not to startle the spider, lest it run right towards me, "you're a college graduate. You can figure this out." I looked around again. Nothing came to me. Then I noticed a different water bottle on the floor with half an inch of water in it. If I could scoop the spider into the bottle and put the lid on it, it would be trapped and drowned, and I would have no spider guts on my down comforter. 

So I picked up the bottle and silently, slowly unscrewed the lid. Then, with as little motion as I could, I moved my pill box, laptop, water bottle, and phone out the possible running path of the spider, if I missed getting it into the bottle. It was a long shot; the bottle neck wasn't very wide. I sat there for a few minutes to psych myself up. I decided I could have a better chance of success if I was at a different angle. So I eased slowly off my bed. The spider didn't move. 

Rosie shook out her mane. She was done with her before-bed feeding. "Go kill that spider!" I told her. She just looked at me and sat there. Then a thought entered my head. It wasn't to get a tissue or a shoe and kill it, it was get my hair spray and spray it. Maybe then it would be stiff and I'd be able to get it in the bottle. So I went into the bathroom and got my hairspray. Just then I heard a door open upstair. It was my dad.

"Hey dad," I called up, "there's a spider on my bed... do you think if I spray it with hairspray it'll kill it?" 
He laughed. "Why don't you just squash it with a shoe?"
"I don't want to get spider guts on my down comforter. I'd rather have hairspray than spider guts."
He came downstairs and pulled a tissue out of this pocket and squished the spider in it. He then smiled at me like I was still his adorable little five-year old daughter. Then he went back upstairs. I put the hairspray away. 

A few minutes later Rosie jumped on my bed and sniffed around where the spider had been. "Oh sure. now you come up here," I said to her. She looked at me spitefully and curled up right in the middle. Sometimes it pays off in unexpected ways to still live with your parents.


  1. I've had 3 spiders in my house. Two of which sat squished under a shoe for an hour before I got up the nerve to clean it up. True fact.

  2. Ugh spiders are the worst for me. We had a snake in our backyard, I tried to chase it down and get the dog to notice it. Spider? I'll freak out and run away screaming. Why are they so damn fast?!