Life Makes Love Look Hard

 I've been pondering something lately that I never thought I'd do, or ponder: online dating. Stop laughing. All I've been doing is pondering it. I haven't signed up for match.com, or taken whatever compatibility test eHarmony advertises, or even gone to any of those sites to "check them out". I've just been thinking about it because I currently have no viable avenues for meeting men. Unless you count the bus, which I don't.

Since I moved back with my parents (for medical reasons, y'all) I'm not going to church with any single people. They're all married with children, or just married, or retired with glaucoma. I don't meet anyone at work, even though I work at the University and there are literally thousands of men there. I work a desk job, and my office has very little traffic. Occasionally people come in to use my stapler (no innuendo intended) but that's about it. All my good friends are married or dating-committed and I am apparently not the friend anyone sets up with people they know.

I know I have some issues. The whole no-kidney-terminal-illness thing is sort of a big deal, and I know from past experience that it's a big deal to other people too, and not "I'm kind of a big deal" in a good way. It's scary, not knowing whether you're going to live forever with dialysis or always be sick. It's scary to others who don't understand, or even worse, who do understand the gravity of the situation. Because of my medical issues I may not be able to have my own kids and in the LDS culture that can be a deal breaker for a lot of guys, which means I am sort of a deal breaker myself, not by any fault of my own, but just because it's become my lot in life. I think that's why Mormon boys don't like me. I don't fit into the mold of perfect wife, perfect life. With me nothing is really ever perfect, it's always a little messy and I don't think anyone thinks "I can't wait to get married and have a messy life".

So maybe it's not in the cards for me. Maybe the tables will turn one day and I'll be my parents' caretaker, rather than the other way around- which is what it is right now. I can always be cool Aunt Sarah and buy my nieces' and nephews' love with gifts, since I won't have any kids or a husband of my own to spend my book money on. I'll finally get my fluffy gray kitten, but I'll draw the line at one. I will not become the local cat lady. I'll travel the world... well maybe just Europe and the Caribbean and other places that I won't get diseases by drinking the water. I'll buy a house on the beach in Carlsbad and the ocean can be my companion. At least I'd be reassured that it will always be around.

And that's why I've started thinking about online dating. Because planning my life of solitude does not seem like the life I really want to have for myself. Lord knows I can't cook for just one and I hate leftovers, so I really need to have someone to cook for. And I really need to have someone to write to. and I really need someone to love with. Love rich and love deep and love far. Just love.