Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Trying to Keep Calm and Carry On

I have a lot of turmoil inside of me, a lot of things I want to write about but can't seem to find the words. It's been a pretty shitty couple of weeks (excuse my language but that is the only word that will suffice at present) and though great things are coming up, and some great things have happened recently, I feel in crisis. I am coming to the end of my rope with this kidney saga. Dialysis for 20 months is bleeding me dry- literally and figuratively- and the new graft in my arm is not helping me feel better about it. I do pretty well considering my situation, but I am struggling right now. I just need a kidney, that's what it boils down to, but I don't seem to have anyone on my side at transplant to fight for that to happen. I know a transplant isn't easy- I've been there before- but it was better than life on dialysis. And I know life isn't easy. It isn't supposed to be that way or it wouldn't be considered a test. I've had a pretty rough adult life, and I'm ready for a break. Please, can I have a break?

My saving grace at this point is the people I surround myself with. I have such a loving and caring family who would go to the ends of the earth and back for me if I needed it. I couldn't ask for a person in my life better than my sister Liz. I know she'd have given her kidney to me 19 months ago if she was still a match. I hold her in the highest esteem and am so proud to call her my sister. My very best friends Stephanie, Mehgan, Lacey, and Jamey never cease to amaze me with their support and love. Even though I don't see most of them as much as I'd like, they do wonders for me and I can't believe how lucky I am to have them in my life. There is another person, who has come into my life more recently. And though I'm not sure where our friendship will take us, when I close my eyes, all I see is infinite possibility through the sparks.

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