Long Live the Magic We Made

Back in 2009, right after I started this blog, I wrote about moving out of our house on 1200 East, the house where I'd lived with my friends for a year and a half, the place we'd had the time of our lives, witnessed the Undefeated Season of '08, the place we learned you really can't trust a ginger. We didn't know it then, but that day at the end of July marked the end of an era. It was the last time Lacey, Mehgan, Steph, and I would live together. Despite all the singing of "Reunited and it feels so good", life inevitably marched on without checking with us first. I lost my kidney, Mehgan came home, Steph got Janson, and married, Lacey found new roommates.

Our "Reunited" tour ended before it even began

Then November 2010 happened. A dinner at Zupas and an idea turned into a dedication, a house hunt, a lease signing, a roommate search, and a move. Now three quarters of the old band is back together again with a few new members. We're like The Eagles, or Destiny's Child. Lacey, Mehgan, and I moved into a lovely Avenues Victorian last weekend, along with Lucy, who lived with Lacey for the last year in 2 different Aves houses, and Laura, who is the cousin of a girl in our University LDS ward. The house is filthy dirty, and sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have just been worth it to pay Molly Maids the $64 an hour they wanted to clean the place. But we're back together again, even though we miss Steph and wish she could be there too, and that's what makes all the difference.

A year and a half ago we marked the end of an era. Last weekend we saw the start of an age. It will be a new age (no pun intended.... but it was rather good) and a different age then before, but it will be just as good, filled with new people, new learning experiences, but the same humor, dance parties, and cooking that made our first tenure as roommates so fantastic. I think important things will happen during this age; college graduations, acceptance into grad programs, unions formed, MLA will figure it all out, a transplant, maybe... the possibilities are endless. I don't know exactly what will happen, but I do know it will be great. And there will be a lot of laughing, a lot of chocolate chip cookies, a lot of mood lighting in the dining room when one of us is trying to "hang out" with a good-looking fella, and a lot of love.

"We will be remembered."

The Month of Thanks-Giving

I've noticed that I've had a really bad attitude lately. I mean, like, extremely bad. I realized this on the bus the other day and as I sat in my seat, I was ashamed of myself. I think I get so caught up in the things I want but don't have that I forget to remember the things I do have that a lot of people don't. I decided right then and there on the 213 that I needed to, in the words of Cher from "Clueless", make over my soul. So in an effort to avert my recent flow of negativity and help me have a better attitude, I'm going to post something I'm thankful for every day this month. November is, after all, the month we give thanks in America, and the goal here is to adjust my way of thinking so I can remember how great my life is all year long, even when it's really not ideal (like now. No kidneys is so not ideal. But I'm working with it.) So if you like to read this silly blog, check back a few times this month as I update this post with little nuggets of gratitude. One thing I'm always thankful for is you, the reader, who actually reads what I write on here.

I am grateful for:
November 1st- Taylor Swift's album "Speak Now" and my friends Jamey and Mehgan who were born on this day in different years in the 80's.
November 2nd- America, Apple Pie, and the end of election campaigns (for 2010). Vote for Elle!
November 3rd- My modernism professor, who can successfully incorporate a "Jersey Shore" or "The Walking Dead" reference into every lecture, thereby making a completely uninteresting class briefly interesting.

November 4th- Parents who will give the shirt off their back and their very last dollar to someone else who is in greater need than they. And for my niece Molly, who turns 6 today.

November 5th- Being a UTE! No matter the outcome of a season, a game, or a championship, I will always be true to my school and will be forever a Ute.

November 6th- my bed.

November 7th- Daylight Savings Time. I needed that 12 hours of sleep last night.
November 8th- The Utah Food Bank and the opportunity I have to serve my community through them.
November 9th- My very best friends: Mehgan Alva, Lacey Collom, and Stephanie Alva-Rigby. These girls are amazing and I don't know where I'd be in life without them.
November 10th- There only being 7 more times I have to go to my modernism class, 11 more times I have to go to my editing class. and 12 more time I have to go to math. (hopefully, only 12 more times I have to go to math FOREVER!!!!)
November 11th- My insulin pump. We've been together for a year, and my HGA1C has gone from 11-6.5. Even though I tell it once a day that I hate it, I'm glad it's helping keep my diabetes under control. And I'm grateful for all the veterans. Thanks for keeping our country free and safe.

November 12th- Antibiotics and health insurance that makes the co-pay for them only $3.

November 13th- Eclairs and the redeeming power of chocolate. And for the undying optimism of one Daniel Shiflett. Even when I've thrown in the towel, he still believes. But I still love my Utes.

November 14th- My wardrobe. And my exquisite shoe collection. And Boden, for making it possible for me to look good on Sunday's. (Yes, this is all a bit materialistic and absurd, but it's true. I am very grateful for these things.)

November 15th- Amazing Sunday's that lead to excellent Monday's which generally equal phenomenal weeks. (and it did. This was the beginning of the best week ever!)

November 16th- WE GOT THE HOUSE!! I'm moving back to the Avenues after finals are over!

November 17th- Heaters. I spent 3 hours outside this afternoon and man, I was sure cold when I finally got in Mehgan's car. That heater was my new best friend.

November 18th- Thursdays. Ah yes, they are the gateway to the weekend.

November 19th- My family. They're pretty amazing and I sure do love them!

November 20th- The Utes besting SDSU and completing my best week ever.

November 21st- Faith. I'm grateful everyday that I believe in something that I know in my heart, mind, and soul is true. It guides my life and I'd be lost without it.

November 22nd- Volunteer opportunities that allow me to meet State of Utah legendary football coaches, basketball coaches, and business men. It's pretty cool to stand in a stadium and shake the hand of the guy it's named after.

November 23rd- Impending "blizzards" that freak everyone out, get me out of work 5 1/2 hours early, and don't actually amount to anything more than 3 inches of snow.

November 24th- Generous people who will give of their own means to help those in need and for Steph, whom I can always count on to go see silly movies with that I wouldn't see otherwise.

November 25th- Thanksgiving, family, and cranberry salad. I love holidays that are dedicated to good food and togetherness.

November 26th- Great SAB and MUSS Board volunteers, especially Jaime Bowen, TJ McMullin, and Dan Brinton who stood in the freezing temperatures with me for 6 hours to sell t-shirts and collect money for the Utah Food Bank. And for 7-11 hot chocolate with 2 French Vanilla creamers in it.

November 27th- Brandon Burton and his superman moves, for 17 points in the 4th quarter, and for toe warmers. Also for a Utah victory over always arrogant byu and the conviction that I'd rather be an 0-12 UTE than a 12-0 cougar.

November 28th- Sister Cahoon, who in the name of safety made all the soup and brownies for Linger Longer so the committee wouldn't have to travel in the winter weather.
November 29th- The end of the Rivalry Week Food Drive.
November 30th- My life. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, a fantastic job, the comforts of life, a college education, shoes on my feet, food in my fridge, health insurance, faith, a sense of humor, an iPhone, and people who love me (among other things). I'm very blessed and I have a lot to be thankful for.

This month long blog post- which is probably the longest blog post ever- has really taught me what it's like to be thankful. It did achieve it's goal, as well. I have had a superb month; dwelling on the positive instead of the negative in my life improved everyday life for me and I'm sure my attitude made it easier for people to be around me. I am considering furthering this little project, only not on the blog. Then it would be the longest blog of all time, and I don't want that. Happy Everything!

28 Things I've Done Before 28

My birthday is this week. I'll be turning the ripe old age of 28. Now that I'm no longer a spring chicken, I thought I'd chronicle some of the things I've done thus far in my life, so that I can start using phrases such as "Back in my day..." and "In my time..." and "When I was your age...". So here we go.

1. Put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean, and Gulf of Mexico in the same year.
2. Went to and dropped out of culinary school.
3. Was on the front row for Britney Spears on her Circus Tour.
4. Crossed the Pond to return to my motherland.
5. Was pictured on sportsillustrated.com as a "College Football Super Fan".
6. Owned a Kate Spade bag.
7. Was a University of Utah Alumni Association Achievement Scholar.
8. Had an HGA1C of less than 7.
9. Became an "adult" by having my own health insurance.
10. Successfully kept my identity mine.
11. Learned how to play the system and get paid to go to school.
12. Inspired people to action through my life story.
13. Became a true believer in faith.
14. Began my love affair with Apple, Inc.
15. Had a real chef ask for my bread pudding recipe.
16. Buried 2 brothers.
17. Broke my back.
18. Found out who I am.
19. Became a college football fanatic.
20. Met my very best friends.
21. Discovered how much I really, really, dislike curry... and BYU.
22. Truly learned how invaluable my siblings (& parents) really are.
23. Learned the joys of living with 3 small children and how much their imagination can influence my own.
24. Became a florist.
25. Was/is an example of being true to your school.
26. Successfully received and rejected 2 transplanted organs, at different times.
27. Was Senior Class Vice President at the University of Utah, a position I never applied for.
28. Survived.

Maybe next I can do a bucket list: 30 Things to do before I'm 30. At the top of that list will definitely be "Graduate from College" and "Move out of my parent's house again". Happy Birthday to me.

UTAH Football, Re-starting Senior Year, and Hip Hop

Well here it is. September is upon us... thankfully. I'm pretty sick of summer. I need fall to fill my lungs and breathe new life into my soul. I thrive in the fall; I don't know if it's the change of the season and the fashion- fall fashion happens to be my favorite, all the jeans and sweaters and boots- or the gorgeous colors, or the food, or the football... it's most likely the football. Let's just be honest. I live for college football. On any given fall Saturday, you'll find me in a football stadium, screaming until I have no voice, or in front of the TV, pacing and yelling at the inanimate object in front of me that's just trying to project a picture. My family has never been huge football fans. My parents always held season tickets to that school down south, but we never made a big production out of football. My brothers like football well enough, but I LIVE and DIE by it. I shouldn't be surprised that I'm really the only one in my family who does; I'm also the only one below 5'7, and the only one with blonde hair and blue eyes, among other things. I guess I was always born to stand out from the rest of my family, be it in the smallest capacities.

Back to football. UTAH football kicks off this Thursday night against a 15th ranked Pittsburgh team. This is a 2005 Fiesta Bowl rematch of sorts. I wonder if Pitt is going to be out for revenge because of the embarrassment suffered at the hands of a "lesser" Utah team in a BCS bowl on a national stage. Whatever Pitt brings to the table, UTAH can handle it. The Utes have a talented team this year, and after a 10-3 "rebuilding" year last year and a PAC-10 invite, they're ready to show what this program is capable of. So I'm prepared. I've got my 2010 MUSS shirt and tickets, my UTAH face tattoos, my drum and feather decals on my nails. All I need is a tailgate and Thursday to be here so I can willing lose my voice and feel my most at home in Rice-Eccles Stadium.

School also recently started, as can probably be garnered by the aforementioned fact that college football is about to kick off. I restarted my senior year last week with three classes and a Student Alumni Board meeting. It was fantastic to be back in class and back at the Alumni House doing what I do best: being a student. Oh sure, I'll struggle through math and continue to give my English discussions the silent treatment, but I love being back in class. With only 9 credits this semester I'm trying to hold myself to a higher standard. I figure I should be able to devote the needed time to each class and the assigned schoolwork. Even math, the class where my brain automatically deviates to anything OTHER than the subject matter. Though I'll be on dialysis this semester, I'm not feeling too worried about it. I'm not going to lie, I was unsure after the first day if I'd be able to handle all this, but after the first week, and a morale boosting SAB meeting, I'm pretty sure I can. I would, after all, like this to be my FINAL senior year. This whole "8th year senior" thing is getting a litttttttle old.

And as a final thought, I would just like to say I love Lupe Fiasco. Can't get enough of him and hip hop lately. I'm so gangster it should be illegal. :) "I feel like murder but hip hop just saved my life."

Oh, and no kidney news yet. Just that I'm actually healthy enough to go to school and, more importantly, football games.

Listed!

As of today, July 26th, 2010, I am OFFICIALLY ON THE TRANSPLANT LIST!!! The next step is just to wait and see what happens. Liz and I have also been enrolled in the Paired Donor Exchange as of today, and since they really want Liz's kidney, they'll work even harder to find someone who is a match with me. I kind of hope the PDE works out... it's a little weird to "hope" someone doesn't make it so that I can have their organ. I suppose it's just the wheel of the world. Nonetheless, I am very excited and happy and relieved to finally be on the list. It won't be soon before long that things will be happening. Today is a good day.

Lately

I've been writing a lot lately; I don't know why this has suddenly begun. I've been writing poorly lately too, but then again, I don't know if I ever was actually writing particularly well to begin with. What follows are a few of the things I've turned out. Probably not the best, but definitely not the worst.

Burn

Drunken nights involving no liquor
keep me awake as my
imagination runs wild with
unlikely romantic notions.
Sensibility slinks in and hisses:
This life is not a romantic comedy.
There will be no grand declarations
of love. No last-minute-do-or-die
chases to the airport, no undying
adoration after only a weeks time.
The real-life duo of HeartBreak
and Bitter Disappointment are
sure to make a scene and
teach me what it really means
to burn when he sweeps
in and sets fire to my soul.

Poem for A Friend

I am at a stand still-
inspire me to motion.
Use your verbs, your
thoughts, your tongue,
your soul.
With the Aztec sun
behind you-
become
the unjammed highway
the stream without a dam
the vein without a clot
my heart that nearly stopped.
Become my heart that hasn't stopped.

Returning Home

This week, I went back to work. June 21st was more than just the Summer Solstice for me this year. It was the day my recent life took a step in the normal direction. I was excited to return to my job. It's not glamorous or particularly prestigious, but I love it. And I love the people I work with. I really lucked out with my position in the Social Research Institute in the College of Social Work. My bosses in SRI held my job for me for 6 months while I was too sick to work. My colleagues in the CSW donated their vacation hours to me so I could get paid while I was out. They donated so many hours, I was set up to get paid for nearly 6 months, and Jennifer had to turn people away because so many hours had already been donated.

I didn't get much work done on Monday. It was my first day back and Norma wanted to hold a "Welcome Back Coffee Hour" for me. I don't drink coffee but who was I to deny her? She seemed so excited to have me back... so we had a coffee hour. People came down and ate bagels and put hazelnut flavoring in their coffee and made the SRI lobby smell fantastic. And we talked and I answered questions and had people look at me with a look that spoke more of amazement than pity. The rest of the afternoon consisted of those who couldn't come to the coffee hour stopping by my desk to say mostly the same things: CSW employee "Sarah! It's so nice to have you back! You look great!" Me: "Thank you! It' really so nice to be back." Tuesday continued much the same, except for this time there was no coffee hour or hazelnut flavoring.

Today I took a FedEx package to the drop box in BEH next door to my office. As I walked through BEH, and past Psych bulletin boards and Chronie stands, I realized how much I had truly missed being on campus. I had spent all day everyday on the U of U campus for the past two years, and it had felt strange when I got sick because I wasn't there all the time. I didn't realize how strange it was until I actually returned. It was like returning home. If I could maneuver it, I would walk all the way around campus. I'd visit every building: The old, graceful buildings of President's Circle, the mid-century gems of OSH and MBH, the more recent, modern WEB and LNCO. I'd spend time in the Union, eat at Chartwell's and visit all my friends in ASUU. I haven't seen the office since all the new furniture has been in... I'd go hang out in the library and saunter around UMFA and take in the art. But I don't have the energy to climb the hills and stairs of my fair campus yet, so I'll have to wait. In the meantime, I'll walk downhill past the Field House to the TRAX station, and gaze at the football stadium and dream of September, and the day I can walk up HPER Highway again.

Nine hours at work doesn't feel so long anymore. I'm home. Home sweet home.

Life Without Kidneys

Well, I need to change the title of my blog to "The Best 9 Years" because I did not graduate this Spring and so it will be 9 years since I graduated from high school when I finally (here's hoping!) graduate from college. Things didn't exactly go as planned this year. I was supposed to finish my senior year, walk at commencement, and then fly to London for the study abroad I've been trying to go on for 3 years. Instead, my transplanted, and only, kidney rejected and failed in January. I had to drop my perfect class schedule, relinquish my position as Senior Class Vice President, go on Family Medical Leave at work and move out of my house in Officer's Circle.

Everything changed in January, and I became very angry and bitter because I hated it. I hated my life and everything about it. I started back on dialysis, something I vowed never to do again, and had multiple hospital stays throughout February. I was really sick, and my poor attitude and self pity didn't help the situation much. I ignored text messages and didn't return phone calls. I never checked facebook and when I did it just made me mad, all those people and their happy, healthy lives thinking they had real problems because their phones weren't working. I was really mad at my life because this was supposed to be my year and now it was all shot to hell. I didn't want visitors, I didn't want friends. I wanted to be left alone in my self loathing. It's easier to feel sorry for yourself than to face your problems and try to solve them with a positive attitude. At least that's what I led myself into believing.

I thought I'd get another transplant quickly. I had a donor (my wonderful sister Liz) and was only 27, so why should my medical team wait? Well, just because I had a donor doesn't mean she was a match. I know, you're thinking "But it's your sister, how can she NOT match??" My first kidney was donated by my brother Ben. My body developed antibodies against his DNA because I had his kidney. Being siblings, Liz and Ben share the same DNA, so those antibodies in my blood make her incompatible.

So I waited. And waited. And waited. I watched the deadline for London study abroad applications pass by, knowing I couldn't go. I endured hospitalizations and bone marrow biopsies and numerous tests to rule out diseases I knew I didn't have. I kept on with dialysis and had blood transfusions and wondered if I'd made the right decision leaving Dr. Cline's care as I began to feel like my medical team was... incompetent. On the same day I should have been graduating from college I had my transplanted kidney taken out. My mother spent her Mothers Day sitting with me in my IMCU room at University Hospital. As it turns out, that kidney was necrotic (meaning there was dead spots in the tissue of the kidney) and was likely what was making me so sick. The lymph node Dr. Nelson removed was unremarkable and ruled out the PTLD the team was afraid I had. PTLD is a form of post-transplant lymphatic cancer.

Since the surgery, I feel much better than I did before. I've even been out a few places with my sister and friends since the incision stopped hurting. (Word of advice: if you're thinking about going to see "Robin Hood", don't waste your time or money. It's awful.) I've registered for fall classes and The MUSS and I will be crushed if I can't return to school August 23rd. In a week or so I'll be cross matched with my sister again because my antibodies have changed, hopefully enough that she is now a match. I'll also be cross matched with one of my best friends, Stephanie, to see if she's a match. If all goes well, we could be having a transplant this summer. If neither Liz or Steph are matches, we'll enter the paired donor program, which cross matches you and your potential donor with others who are in a similar situation to find a match and a kidney for you.

For now, it's life without kidneys. Dialysis 3 times a week at 6 a.m. Being bored every day with nothing to do but take naps (it's not that great, trust me). Sitting, waiting, wishing, hoping for a miracle, and a new, working kidney, and renting movies from iTunes while I wait.

This is for McKenzie

It has obviously been sometime since I last posted something on this thing. Life has been a bit busy since school started in late August. Besides classes and my job, Student Alumni Board and ASUU take up most of my time. Erica and I managed to pull off the most successful Homecoming Week the University of Utah has ever had. It was monumental, we had an actually crowd for the Pep Rally, which means I kept my promise to Coach Whittingham, we sold out the dance, 1200 people got in and many more didn't. Everything went off without a hitch, no incidents at the dance, alcohol related or non, and even though SongFest ended 25 minutes ahead of schedule, Coach Boylen saved the Pep Rally with his amazing emcee skills. It truly was a REDvolution this year. The biggest yet. Next year's senior class president and vice president have some big expectations to live up to.
Now Homecoming is over and life is slowing down for the moment. I have time to read, time to sleep, time to write, time to breathe. It's a bittersweet ending though, this thing I've spent the last 5 months of my life planning is over, the week I pourred my heart and soul into is done. What's next? It's a bit odd to have time to do homework, and not have 8 meetings every week, and leave ASUU when the sun is still illuminating the sky. I halfway miss the "till 2 a.m." nights and bribing that pizza guy to give me his product so Erica and I didn't starve to death. Luckily, there's still football, the Rivalry Week Food Drive, and lovely things in the Spring to look forward to.
Fall Break is almost upon the U, and everyone I know is extremely grateful for the break. I'll spend my break revising the papers I didn't get A's on (which NEVER happens except now, which makes me wonder what I've gotten myself into). I know it's bad news when MATH is my best class. Somethings gotta change, so I'll revamp over the break and come back with exceptional writing for the rest of the semester. That's the plan at least. There are very few things I dislike more than having to revise and resubmit papers. This is unacceptable and it's pissing me off. I'm better than this. Last fall, the resident Poet Laureate actually gave a copy of my paper to everyone in my class as an example of what to do. I am BETTER than this. I will be better than I have been. Math cannot win, I must excel in what I know, and I know writing. I'll show Straley and Horwitz who they're reading. I don't write B- papers.
Oh, and, McK, since you're the only one who reads this thing, I love my housemates and living in Officer's Circle! We stay up too late and laugh and talk and are all friends. The Hum House is fantastic and I love living there. I'll be rather sad when I have to leave it in May, but I'll go directly to London for 5 weeks which should help ease my suffering.

First Night, New House

Here it goes.  Here I go.  Away from comfort and familiarity... to unknown and uncertain.  As I sit in my (new) room in the Humanities House I am listening to Chantal Kreviuzak sing "Leavin' On a Jet Plane" and I wish that I could be back in my own bed at my parents house.  Or in my own bed in a house with Steph and Mehgan somewhere.  But I'm not.  Mehgan is in Florida and Steph's in Millcreek and I'm on campus.

It's not that I'm afraid... that's a lie, I'm TERRIFIED.  I'm afraid of the unknown that's gaping in front of my life and swallowing the next 8 months of my life.  I'm afraid my new roommates are going to be stuck up and elitist.  I'm afraid I'll be subpar compared to them.  What if I lose touch with all my old friends and don't make new ones?  What if I don't make time for things like friendship and dating and fun?  "Things can move at such a pace, the second hand just waves goodbye".  I don't want that to be my experience in Officer's Circle.  I'm afraid it's what I'm going to make it and I'm not sure how to stop that from happening.  Plus, I swear the clock said 1:07 five minutes ago.  Perhaps it's a sign that I need to slow down, refuse some things that I'm asked to do, leave behind a commitment or two.  Or perhaps it's telling me to go to bed because it's one a.m. and it's been a long day, and tomorrow promises to be the same.  

Though I'm afraid, I'm excited for the next 8 months.  I think good things will happen while I'm here, things that couldn't have happened if I was safe in my own bed somewhere else.  I think I'll enjoy a much shorter commute to campus, since I'm already there.  I'll have at least 2 new friends in Victoria, my roommate, and Heid, my RA.  "Life's what you make it, so let's make ir rock."  I hope I'll over come my fear and make this situation the best ever.  "La la la la la la la life is wonderful..."  For now I just need to sleep.  

Changes

A very wise man once said, "Some things will never change."  Well, all my respect to 2Pac, but he was very wrong.  Things change all the time.  I believe Arby's once stated that "Change is good!".  No offense to Arby's (although their roast beef makes me sick) but not all change is good.  And you may be wondering what all these pop culture references have to do with anything, well, I'll tell you.  In the last month, a lot of things in my life have changed.  I find I don't do overly well with change.  Though this is going to be a change that will lead to the next adventure in my life, I'm not sure I like it yet.

I've been accepted to live in the O.C. Tanner Humanities House at the University of Utah.  This means I'm moving out of the apartment I love, where I've lived the last 15 months of my life.  I'm sad to leave it.  When I'm home alone, I walk around in the silence of these old walls and take it in.  The red accent wall in the living room, the French doors leading to the stairwell, the built-in china cabinet in the dining room, the hardwood floors... I love it here.  I don't want to leave, but this is a change I must make and I know that it has to happen.  So I'll leave the 2 sets of steep stairs, my lovely black and white couch, and the perfect singing window in my closet (think "Enchanted").  Soon I'll live in an 1870's house that has housed military officers and Olympic Athletes and now the finest students at the University of Utah.  11 strangers, picked to live in a house... find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real.  (Sorry, I can't stop with the pop culture!)

It's going to be a strange world not living with my best friend Stephanie.  But we're both doing what we have to do, and between our schedules, we'd never see each other anyway except for when we'll make time to see each other once school starts.  I have a lot of on campus responsibility this year (Student Alumni Board, Homecoming Committee, LDSSA Campus Relations, Senior Class Vice President).  Between meetings, class, work, and tutoring, it only makes sense to live on campus too.  Still, I'm going to miss the dancing in the kitchen, Steph "stretching" as soon as I walk out of my room, watching Disney Channel on Sunday afternoons and laughing at all the jokes... I'll miss it all very much.  Just like I'll miss Steph very much.  

Sometime change is good.  Sometimes change is excellent, exactly what needs to happen, something you can't wait to have happen... that doesn't mean it's always easy.  Then again, nothing worth having is ever easy.